Joe Blundo makes his annual predictions for the new year
Despite the fact that none of my predictions ever turn out to be correct, I have a new batch for 2022:
• The omicron strain of COVID will be followed by others with names such as sigma, upsilon, and omega. Seeing the pattern, right-wing radio hosts will begin to spread the conspiracy theory that the Greek alphabet is the real cause of COVID. Inevitably, this leads to conspiracy theories linking Greece to the virus, then the movie “Grease” and finally Brian Griese, the football commentator.
• About 150 urgent climate reports will be published by scientists around the world. The result? Fear of climate change will continue to place itself behind fear of spiders, fear of heights, and fear of public speaking, but will slowly overtake globophobia (fear of balloons) and arachibutyrophobia (fear of sticky peanut butter. palace).
What happened last year? :Joe Blundo makes his predictions
• Columbus’s buzzing real estate market will get hotter, with bidding wars breaking out over garden sheds, puppy tents and rabbit burrows. A bounce house left out overnight after a child’s birthday party in Upper Arlington sells for $ 425,000 at dawn.
• The NCAA will announce that fans are now eligible to access the transfer portal, as are players. Instantly, Florida International, New Mexico, and the University of Texas at El Paso will lose 90% of their fan base. Inundated with new fans, Ohio State is forced to offer tutorials online after several hundred people were injured by uncoordinated arm movements during their first attempts at OHIO gestures.
• Space celebrities in 2022 and their destinations: George Lucas (a galaxy far, far away), Prince Harry and Meghan Markle (Neptune, to escape the paparazzi) and Mickey Mouse (Pluto).
• Joe Biden decides to change his name in an attempt to increase his declining support. Unsatisfied with everything his staff has to offer, Biden turns to a superhero name generator, which suggests he calls himself “The Silver Dragon.” The name proves popular with Comic-Con attendees, but sounds bad among mainstream voters who oppose a president with wings, a tail, and a habit of igniting paperwork every time he yawns. .
• Ohio will face a number of urgent crises: roaming reaching epic proportions, a thick green blanket of algae spanning the entire surface of Lake Erie, and an asteroid on a collision course with the state. In response, the Ohio General Assembly is further relaxing gun laws.
• Relations between Red America and Blue America will deteriorate to the point that some Southern state legislatures will ban Blue State specialties such as Manhattan Clam Chowder, Boston Cream Pie and Rolls from California.
In retaliation, the Blue States ban Southern Comfort, Texas toast, and Kentucky Fried Chicken. War seems imminent until peace negotiators come to an agreement: either side can ban a food, regardless of its point of origin. The North chooses candy corn, the South chooses lima beans.
And they all eat happily ever after.
Joe Blundo is a Dispatch columnist.